Recently, I was speaking to a career diplomat, a western lady (What? You thought pain observes barriers such as caste or nationality??) She had a nasty divorce with her husband on account of him cheating on her. So what does he do? Waits right till a posting comes up to distant shores, she sends her luggage off and then plop – he goes, “I’m not letting you have the kids!” So there she is, quite stranded, literally not knowing whether she’s coming or going. And having to explain this to the kids without letting them know their dad is one giant fuckwit.
And so. Another mother, also divorced and a friend of mine, was planning her only child’s graduation party a few years ago with much love and excitement. She invited her mother and her sister to fly to this European town with her. Quite by chance, she called up the university to ascertain the time of the convocation. To her utter shock, she was informed that the convocation had been held a week earlier! She confronted her daughter, who said she wanted nothing more to do with her; apparently the father had been feeding her with all kinds of stories. So she then asked her ex husband – who incidentally, had attended the graduation ceremony – why he didn’t inform her. Not my business, she was told. Check with your daughter. Utterly heartbroken, this lady relocated to Bangkok about four years ago. No, she has not spoken to her daughter since.
There are many such stories of pain. I truly wonder why people who once claimed to love one another spare no effort in being vicious when things don’t work out. I have had similar instances happen to me where my children have been manipulated…it has taken long years and even then, some wounds haven’t healed. You live with a person, run his house, bear his children and then it seems as if you never really knew that person at all. If things haven’t worked out, two people are responsible for it, not just the one who chooses to walk away because she’s had enough.
Love is not a bargaining tool. ‘You did this to me so I’ll do that to you.’ ‘Why should I bother about you when you don’t care about me?’ At some point or the other, I guess we are all guilty of this. And we create this chain of suffering all around… yes, even the one who inflicts the pain suffers. Eventually. The wheel of karma always comes around.
Why can’t we let go with dignity? It is very hard to accept that someone has stopped loving you but, even so, why do we forget that we once loved that person too? Why do we get into this whole retaliatory act? Two wrongs don’t make a right – and they never have.
Why does Love hurt?