Time, the Great Bullshitter, more like. “Time heals all wounds.” This is the most half-baked statement ever. It does nothing of the sort! What Time does is to dull the ache and staunch that steady stream of tears when the pain is still fresh. But the void, that bottomless pit of acute loss that was once the presence of someone dear…that remains.
They said it would get better. Give it Time, they said. It won’t hurt so much anymore, they said. Well, whaddya know. More baloney. But yes, there are no more “difficult” days. The living carry on with the business of living.
Each time we love, we give a piece of our heart for that person to carry away forever. Every love changes you subtly, leaves its imprint on you. And each loss shrinks you just that little bit, from within. There are times you feel awfully hollow. If it is not the actual loss, it is the fear of loss. But such is life, that we are condemned to live this conundrum over and over again. Then, you slowly learn to stumble on…to live again…laugh again…and yes, love again.
Let me level with you. I tried long and hard, sometimes consciously and sometimes sub-consciously, to replace you. To think there could be another who would love me the way you did, for whom I would be the most precious find in his entire existence. Somebody would have a certain quality of yours and someone else would have another. Add them up – and still couldn’t make a whole. Nobody could be half the man you were. And that’s when I realised there would only ever be one You. Who would love me unconditionally, no matter what; always be there to catch me lest I fall. In your eyes, I am perfect just the way I am. I am Me.
Okay, so this perfect relationship – for some reason, the Maestro Up There decided to cut it short. I’m still searching for the “why” of it, the sheer waste of it all. But I am thankful I had you and the comfort of your unconditional, unquestionable love for me, for those few days and nights. You will always be my shining star. And I’m Down Here, looking right back at ya with a smile. Shine on.
So no, Time does not heal enough to make all the hurt go away. The cross we have to bear is the memory of you that returns, unbidden, to torment us. On the other hand – with the memories, I will always have you…..